Pirates: Duels on the High Seas review (DS)

There’s an old joke that says that while déjà vu is the feeling that something has happened before, then vuja de is the odd feeling that nothing at all has happened before. Welcome to Pirates: Duels on the High Seas.

I previewed this game really not that long ago. In the preview, I hoped that Oxygen Games was not just pulling the wool over our eyes by sending out the full game disguised as preview code. After all, we got the code very close to the release date. Well, worst fears realised, as the game arrived and it is exactly the same as the preview code. The temptation is to just cut and paste my preview.

Not a Ripple

Right, Pirates is a game where you play the captain of a pirate ship (duh) of varying sizes depending on the difficulty you pick at the start. Your ship plods along, turning like a wallowing whale and even going backwards (?!!) should you ever feel the need. In single player, you embark on a quest for a bunch of cursed keys that allegedly lead to a fantastic treasure. In the end, the keys prove largely useless. You’d think that the fact that they were cursed might have been a clue.

The plot is a shallow excuse for steering your ship through narrow corridors. Sounds fascinating, doesn’t it? Technically, there are a number of environments including the obligatory ice and lava levels. However, it boils down to you steering your little ship down narrow corridors looking for treasure, additional crew members, and other little ships to blast. Gameplay in each location remains exactly the same.

Dead Calm

Combat, if you ignore the bonus weapons that fire forward only, consists mainly of trying for broadsides while your opponents seek to do the same. To help you, you can use one of four power up ‘buttons’ found on the four corners of the touch screen (which also displays a map). These increase your ship’s speed, firepower, repair speed or the amount of the map your lookout can see. The crew members you pluck from the water boost one of the four bonuses, so they get better as you go. However, it costs to use the powers which is where the gold you collect comes in. Regardless of the power buttons, combat remains prosaic and quickly repetitive.

Overall, the gameplay is alright, but gets tired reasonably quickly. Excepting the Chinese dragon you meet once and the kraken you meet semi-regularly, you basically fight ships and avoid turrets for the whole time. Even the dragon and kraken are basically turrets. It’s fun, but forgettable stuff. Multiplayer is a good wheeze, but only because you’re up against friends. The basics stay the same.

Going Nowhere

This is a crushingly average game. It’s not bad, but it’s not great. It’s inoffensive. It’s unchallenging. You’ll hate yourself for playing it, but not that much. The best thing that you could say about it is it’s nice. Just… nice.

And then you find out that it’s not a budget game.

Suddenly, it’s not nice any more. It’s a joke. £25 worth of bland. It’s like buying a surprise celebrity and getting home to discover it’s Dale Winton.