Review: Stalin vs. Martians

The Soviet Union was in a tricky situation during the Second World War. Their invasion of Finland was a disaster and Germany had reneged on their Non-Aggression Pact. Stalin was beginning to think that things could not possibly get any worse, but they could. Imagine if E.T. and all his homies came down from the planet Zog (surely Mars - Ed.) and decided to invade from Siberia at the same time. Then, the Soviet Union would surely be up the proverbial creek. Stalin vs. Martians gives you the chance to play this bizarre alternative reality and Stalin has appointed you to deal with the task of laying the smackdown on the alien army.

Truly shocking stuff

Stalin vs. Martians is an RTS game. I use the term game very lightly as this is possibly one of the worst I have ever played. It begins with a letter from Stalin informing you of the situation and from then on there is very little story as you're whisked away to Siberia to defend against the alien horde. The whole story and concept feels like a B-Movie and attempts dark humour, but this falls very flat and borders on offensive at times. The loading screens have WW2 images with aliens from the game photoshopped into the pictures. I don't think it's appropriate to edit these pictures and make light of them given the serious nature of the Second World War.

What little gameplay there is in Stalin vs. Martians is atrocious. It's very similar to the strategy games released around the turn of the century, most notably the Sudden Strike series. However, despite being nearly a decade out of date in the gameplay department the developers still managed to mess it up. Your units' path finding is dire and is one of the main causes of causalities. Tanks move a lot faster than infantry so your army never moves together which makes them easy pickings. Unit also become stuck and you usually have to reload a game because your army has become so divided that your units are reaching their destination one at a time and are being massacred by the aliens. Even simple tasks of selecting units is difficult and so the real battle is between your patience and this game.

This game belongs in a Gulag

The mission design is dreadful. Every mission descends into steam rolling from one part of the map to the other with little regard for tactics. The aliens you kill drop special abilities and gold which can be used to purchase more troops. One of the very rare highlights of the game comes in the form of 30ft dancing Stalin which you can use, however, if you get that far in the game to use him, then you're doing well.

Even the technical side of the game is flawed. With a 295GTX my FPS hovered around the ten to twelve mark. This game isn't demanding and I pretty sure a mouse on a treadmill could power it. I suspect the problem lies in memory leaks, but I'm not a programmer so I can't fully comment. What I do know is that this game is a broken, buggy mess and you've got to wonder how a game with three different developers manages to feel so unfinished.

I'm not laughing

Stalin vs. Martians is ugly. It deserves to have a paper bag over its head and only let out of the attic when it's time for feeding. There are no display options and so it looks like the game is constantly played at a resolution of 800x600. What is in the options is pretty strange with the setting “Do you like Cats?” leaping out at me. I played the game with both yes and no options selected and didn't notice any difference. Another attempt at humour? If so I don't get it. The aliens units created in the game are not the scary “they mostly come out at night” scary, but rather Monsters Inc. and E.T. scary, but I think the developers are riding their luck when it comes to their design. A few of the units are completely ripped off from numerous Pixar films. Another potential Limbo of the Lost?

If you're a fan of euro pop, then this game may appeal to you because crazy techno beats are blasted at you throughout the missions. The strange sounds and noises continue with the aliens making pew-pew sound when projecting some sort of beam from their eyes. While the music and unit comments aren't the worst I have ever heard it can become very annoying after a while.

Nearly there

Please, for the love of God, do not purchase this game. It doesn't even warrant cult appeal because even when it's stable there is nothing to enjoy. I understand that Stalin vs. Martians isn't trying to be anything special and even the developers state that it's a spoof of the RTS genre, but why are they charging us for it if that's the case?

Not only a contender for the worst game of the year, but also the worst game of all time.